I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
