There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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