this beer tastes like vomit already
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
