I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
