He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
