The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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