why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
