Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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