Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
