my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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