The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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