Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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