I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
