the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish you could order shots online.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
