Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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