Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How's work?
Spinning.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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