you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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