i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
