the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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