this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
