Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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