Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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