Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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