Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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