She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
