DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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