The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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