what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
