no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
