When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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