a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
