i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
third nipple confirmed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
