She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
