I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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