i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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