I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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