Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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