It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
