ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
