I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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