I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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