Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
