why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
