I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
