Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
