I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
