Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
