My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
