dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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