My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
